One of us Cheated: Now What?
Many couples find themselves experiencing infidelity in their relationships and don’t know what to do next. If you’ve found yourself here, you probably think that no relationship can recover from infidelity and that it’s over. While cheating is a difficult and tense situation to navigate, it doesn’t mean that you can’t work through it together and find a new way forward. It does mean that you and your partner have to be willing to put in the work needed to heal. Having a marriage counselor to walk you through processing this betrayal trauma is essential.
Remember that you and your partner are a team and that healing from an affair is possible. Infidelity is an emotionally raw subject, and the individual hurt makes it difficult to be able to navigate collaboratively. With practice and guidance, you can find ways to hold space for each other’s needs and treat each other with compassion while still recognizing the gravity of the situation and how it has impacted your relationship.
Does infidelity mean our relationship is over?
Not necessarily. Many couples actually stay together and work through infidelity. People tend to hold on to the idea of “once a cheater, always a cheater” and believe that a couple can never recover after a partner cheats, but that’s not the case. Some couples may even find themselves having a healthier marriage after healing from an affair. That’s only possible by tackling the issue head on and both partners taking accountability for how their actions have impacted their relationship.
What do we do now?
Infidelity in a relationship is a symptom of a larger issue at hand. Things like unhealthy attachment, unresolved marital conflicts, and low self-esteem are just a few examples of areas where cheating may occur. To explore what the act of infidelity means for you and your partner, it takes a lot of internal work on both yourself and your relationship.
As soon as there’s knowledge of infidelity in a relationship, counseling should be sought out. A marriage counselor and an individual counselor for each partner is the best route to take if possible. This will make sure that couples counseling is able to focus on the needs in your relationship while each partner is also able to process through their individual needs.
Mental Health Individual Counseling:
Individual counseling is important for both partners when your relationship has experienced infidelity. It’s helpful to have a safe space to process things that come up during couples sessions that you may need to dive deeper into individually. It’s a great place to explore your own unmet needs that may have led to infidelity and process feelings of shame, guilt, or regret. While the act of infidelity is painful in itself, it can also bring up a lot of past traumas that have gone unaddressed, like betrayals from parental relationships, friendships, or past romantic relationships. You may also experience a drop in your self-esteem, confidence, and sense of safety after an affair. All of these things can be difficult to recognize in ourselves when we are focusing only on relationship dynamics, making individual therapy just as important as couples. We are better partners when we are taking time and putting in work to be the best versions of ourselves.
Marriage Counseling:
A marriage counselor will be able to guide you through processing the affair while making sure there isn’t extra damage inflicted on either partner. Infidelity is not easy to navigate, and when your goal is to work through it as a team, it's essential to have professional guidance. Having someone who can facilitate important conversations, guide you and your partner in establishing clear boundaries, and find ways for you to create more meaningful connections makes all the difference to maintaining your relationship after infidelity.
What should we avoid?
Telling anyone: Infidelity in relationships is a polarizing topic that people have strong feelings and reactions to. This is why it’s so important to avoid talking about it with family or friends, especially when it’s something newly discovered. It can create added pressure to react based on other people’s decisions. Your marriage counselor can help you and your partner decide if there are any people in your life you’d like to open up to about it after being able to process it yourselves, and what that might look like if you do tell anyone about it.
Asking for details: When you’ve been betrayed by a partner, it’s easy to get stuck on the details and want to understand every aspect of what has happened, but that’s not necessarily productive and can cause more harm than good. Getting explicit details about the affair can create additional trauma that could have been avoided. Refrain from asking for specifics while you are not in a therapy setting. Your therapist will be able to help guide this conversation in a way that can be productive and reduce harm.
Contact with the affair partner: The unfaithful partner will have to establish clear boundaries with their affair partner. If the affair is active and ongoing, no progress will be made in your relationship. Blocking all contact and breaking up with the affair partner is the first step in healing and re-establishing trust.
Remember that you and your partner are a team, and together you can move forward as long as you’re putting in the work to heal. If you’re experiencing infidelity or other relationship barriers, we’re here to help. Our therapists are experienced in helping couples navigate infidelity and creating stronger bonds through meaningful connection. We serve Georgia, Florida and Pennsylvania virtually, with office locations in Buford, Georgia and Peachtree City, Georgia.
