Understanding Codependency: Causes, Signs, and Steps to Healing
By Alyanna Reick-Mitrisin
Before we dive in, let’s take a moment to reflect on if any of these thoughts feel familiar:
Feel compelled to sacrifice your own needs to care for others
Inability to say “no” in relationships
Feeling the intense need to be liked or viewed positively
Losing sight of your own sense of self in your relationship
Feeling that your emotions are not important enough to share
Feeling that your emotions are completely dependent on your partner’s emotions
According to a study done by Journal of Mental Health Counseling, codependency is defined as “an unhealthy devotion to a relationship at the cost of one's personal and psychological needs.” Codependency can leave you feeling uneasy, avoidant, and/or powerless. Many of us have heard the term codependency, but few of us know the signs and symptoms. So, let’s dive in- what contributes to creating codependent relationships? What are the signs and symptoms? And how can we heal?
What causes codependency?
Family Dynamics. Oftentimes codependency begins in childhood. Living in a non-nurturing, unstable, or insecure environment may encourage a child to take on a role as a caretaker. This may show up in a variety of ways. A child may be raised in a family dynamic that pretends problems or conflicts do not exist. Or maybe a person was encouraged from a very early age to put’s someone else’s needs above their own, and/or experiences a relationship where a person’s feelings are repetitively disregarded.
Addiction and Codependency. Another common contributor to codependency may be an individual’s relationship to someone in their life experiencing addiction. A study of over 500 family members of individuals experiencing addiction found that about 64% exhibited high levels of codependency. This could show up in many ways. A family member may take on extreme responsibility in supporting someone in their journey with addiction to the point where they begin to minimize their own needs in the relationship and enable certain behaviors. This excess in responsibility may feel supportive, however, it can quickly turn damaging when the person loses sight of their own boundaries, values, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
What are the signs of codependency?
5 different categories reflect the signs and symptoms of codependency:
Denial:
Inability to understand their own needs and feelings
Minimization of own feelings
Using passive ways to express anger
Not being able to appropriately recognize if a person in their life is unavailable to them emotionally
Low Self-Esteem:
Indecisiveness
Guilt to prioritize self
Inability to trust oneself
Inability to know or recognize one’s own sense of identity
Compliance:
Feeling the need to push feelings aside to protect other’s feelings
Staying in relationships to remain loyal even if they are feeling unsafe
Hyperaware of other’s feelings and willing to modify feelings and viewpoints to feel the same feelings
Overextending themselves in their relationships.
Control:
Micromanaging behaviors
Increased feelings of resentment when support is rejected
Needing to feel needed
Feeling the need to “fix” others
Avoidance:
Doing anything to avoid feelings of abandonment
Avoid expressing your own beliefs to avoid conflict or confrontation.
Avoidance of any sort of conflict or differing opinion
Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
How can we heal?
Self-awareness: The first step to healing is becoming aware of your own sense of self. This may sound intimidating but let me reassure you- you are taking this first step just by becoming aware of your experience.
Therapy: Getting into treatment that is right for you. This could mean both individual counseling, as well as family therapy. Finding treatment that is right for you can help you build up your sense of identity, self-esteem, and support you in your journey to heal codependent relationships. We often think of counseling as something for individuals or couples, but even something like mother and daughter counseling can be so beneficial when codependency is present.
Identity Exploration: Increasing your own sense of self is a powerful part of healing codependency. This could take on many forms such as: finding community outside of this relationship, getting in tune with your own needs and prioritizing them, and being open to explore what makes you!
Support Groups: Support groups such as Co-Dependents Anonymous can be a powerful tool learn more about codependency, connect with others experiencing similar situations, and develop new skills to break this cycle and create healthy relationships.
Breaking these cycles may feel daunting, but by recognizing the concern you are already beginning your journey to healing. Recovery from codependency involves a shift from others to yourself. By getting the support you need and becoming aware of your own sense of self, healing is possible. It all begins with a few small steps.
If you resonate with this blog and need support for codependent relationships in your life, one of our mental health counselors is here to help. We provide counseling services in Georgia, Florida and Pennsylvania virtually, with office locations in Buford, GA and Peachtree City, GA. Book a free consultation with us today!
