Denial: The First Stage of Grief and How to Process It
Grief is a natural response to loss, but it is one of the hardest things for us to process. The most commonly known model is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While not everyone will experiences all of these stages or in that order, this model can help you understand your loss.
When we think of grief and loss, we often think of death. Be sure to make space for your grief in other areas of your life where you may experience loss. This can include a terminal illness diagnosis, divorce, a long-lasting friendship ending, or sudden job loss.
Five Stages of Grief
Denial: Denial is the first stage of grief. It is a coping mechanism that helps people deal with the initial shock of a loss.
Anger: Anger is a common reaction to grief. It can be a way of expressing the pain and frustration that comes with loss.
Bargaining: This is the stage of grief where people may try to negotiate with a higher power or themselves to attempt to change the outcome.
Depression: It’s normal to struggle with feeling emptiness during the grief process, and not knowing how to move forward after loss.
Acceptance: Acceptance is the final stage, where people come to terms with the loss and begin to move forward, integrating the loss into their lives.
Stage One: Denial
Let’s talk about the denial stage of grief and what that looks like. Denial is used as a coping mechanism to help us deal with the gravity of our loss. This can manifest in many different ways, but no matter how it’s presenting it’s ok and perfectly normal. You may find yourself denying the event has happened at all or feeling like it was a mistake. Many people experience confusion, numbness, or feeling avoidant of any emotions.
It's normal to feel stuck in the denial stage for a while, especially with sudden unexpected losses. Not only are you having to process a loss, you are also likely dealing with events that led to the loss. It’s a lot to process and there is no timeline you need to adhere to when it comes to grieving. Time can feel confusing because life is moving forward while your life feels like it has come to a halt. Be gentle and allow yourself to just exist in whatever state you are in.
When you’re forced to deal with a profound loss, it’s hard to grasp and understand something that has changed your world so dramatically. Denial is a way of protecting you because the emotions that come up are intense and hard to navigate. This stage of grief will help your body and mind have time to come to terms with the loss.
While denial can be beneficial in handling grief, it's important to recognize that it’s meant to be temporary and not a long-term solution to healing. It's important to move through the stages of grief so you can process all of your emotions and learn to live life with loss.
What Can I Do in the Denial Stage of Grief?
There are many habits you can practice to help you allow yourself to begin feeling your feelings. While denial can be beneficial in handling grief initially, keeping your emotions suppressed will affect your everyday life if you don’t find ways to cope.
Acknowledge the loss: You might wake up in the morning and remember what’s happened and how much your life has changed. Don’t push it down, let yourself remember. I know it’s hard and uncomfortable, but if you don’t accept that the loss is real, you can’t move forward and process it.
Be patient with yourself: The emotions that come while you are in the denial phase may be abrupt and unexpected, and they are often heavy emotions. You may find yourself denying that things have happened and then reliving the events or replaying them in your head. It’s ok to let yourself feel it the moment that it comes up. It's hard to navigate life during this phase because you don’t know when emotions will arise, so practice patience with yourself and give grace.
Lean on your support system: Let your people be there for you and lean on them. People show their love in different ways and will give you support in different areas of your life. You may have a relative who wants to bring you casseroles and make a meal train, and a best friend who wants to take you out for a night so you can feel joy. When people show up for you, let them. You’ll appreciate their love.
Take care of yourself: Self-care can feel impossible during a loss, but it’s essential. Don’t worry about getting creative with your self-care during this stage, I’m talking about the basics. Make sure you are showering, eating meals, and getting rest. Schedule a grocery pickup with your safe foods you know you can eat even when you don’t feel like it. Set an alarm every day so you remember to shower. Try to sleep any time that you feel like you can rest. You may find yourself restless at night, so it’s ok to sleep when you are able to.
Explore new coping mechanisms: When you experience a life-altering loss, your past coping mechanisms may feel foreign or unhelpful. Some things you can try: journaling, meditation, creating art, joining a grief support group, physical activity.
It's important to remember that everyone experiences grief differently, and there is no "right" way to grieve. The denial stage of grief can be one of the most difficult to navigate. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, reaching out to a mental health professional is a great step to take.
By speaking about and sharing our grief experiences with one another, we can begin to understand ourselves. Here are some of our favorite grief stories: